We’ve known each other for so long. (40 – 30 = 10)

And if you ask me how I’m feeling don’t tell me you’re too blind to see. ~ Rick Astley.

So this is 40 and this is my guilty pleasure dated 1987 (a favourite year of mine), voted one of the all-time worst songs ever! But do you know what, who cares? If it makes you feel better then play it. Play the shit out of it until you feel better.

I’ve been wading through a tide of nostalgia to get to this big number and it’s been sucking on all my energy. Five months ago I was lying in hospital with a tube stuck down my throat, starving, in pain, and thinking I might not make it to 40 after all. Off the back of the new boobs that came as a real shock! (I’m still in shock. Or is it trauma?)

But mostly I’ve been thinking about Mum, I can’t help it. Feeling sad for her, feeling guilty that I’m here and she’s not. Thinking about her very rude 40th birthday cake. Laughing. Thinking about how she was diagnosed with breast cancer just one month later. Teary, usual. I know this is a celebration for myself but, damn, it’s so hard to shake her off!

Anyway, I’m here, where she’d want me to be, and it’s bloody brilliant to be alive and drawing and painting and playing music. Plenty of other things, too, but hopefully this is the medicine to take me through the next decade. So if anyone’s feeling nostalgic with me, pop the bubbles and call on Mr. Astley (he’ll be around) coz I don’t think I’m ever gonna give it up.


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Posted on

November 30, 2017